| I NEVER MEANT TO LOVE YOU… Restless Spirit
I NEVER MEANT TO LOVE YOU… IT HAPPENED QUITE BY CHANCE…. These are the first two lines of my favorite mushy poem. And today I felt the words sting me, like rock salt rubbed on a freshly opened wound. The poem further continues with I ONLY WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND…AND NOT TO SHARE A NEW ROMANCE… If you have brains bigger than those of ants, you would realize by now the point I am driving at - I have or am falling in love for someone I had NO intentions of falling for in the first place. Don’t you just hate it when things don’t go as you planned them?
I just woke up today and there he was on my mind. At first I was amused, why was he the first person I thought of? Silly me, probably I just woke up in the weird side of the bed. But then the funny feeling continued. I brushed it as me coming down with the flu. While I was in the shower, images of him kept on flashing in my brain. His silly smile, his eyes, his hands, what he wore three days ago…If I was a gifted artist I could have easily painted his picture on canvas purely out of memory. Halfway through breakfast, I was absentmindedly wondering what he was doing, I recalled pieces of conversations we had, his out of whack mannerisms and then I stopped….Ripleys believe it or not! I was in a state of ADAMANT SHOCK – in a split second it dawned on to me that I was falling in love with my friend. A friend, friend. Yikes! Love crept up from behind me, covered my eyes with its hands and I didn’t even know it. Today I woke up and found myself in this dilemma – I was in love with my friend. Darn it! This cannot be happening! It was like a nightmare - I tried to shake the feeling. NO! NO! NO!
I tried a lot of remedies - I tinkered, I read, I got busy, I tried to distract myself as best as I could but it was no use. Now its four in the afternoon and I am exhausted from telling my stubborn self that I do not love this person. What was I thinking? Arrgggghhh. Every cell in my body is shouting “DENIAL”. I wanted to puke. I don’t fall for friends. And this guy is a friend in the truest sense of the word. He’s the type of guy who you can hang out with all day all week and still you wouldn’t run out of things to talk about. Buddy, pal, comrade, amigo. What the f*cK is wrong with me? Am I not the girl who has perfected the art of platonic friendships between men and women? How could I have been so naïve?
Then, I remembered I had to remind him about something. I used to do it so easily, calling him up or bugging him to accompany me, because there were no feelings attached. But this time, butterflies were doing summersaults in my stomach - I wrote and rewrote not twice but more than a dozen times how to place my words so I would not reveal my true feelings. I felt so helpless. So this is how it feels to be a fugitive? I tried calling him in his office but I hit the plunger after just two rings. I was so pathetic. I didn’t want anyone to know. Heck, I would have even kept it from myself if that were possible. What if he had ESP and could read my mind? I’m sure he would undoubtedly laugh at me. Not me, not the girl who said I wouldn’t even consider him even if we were the only two people alive on this earth and the human race depended on our procreation. Eating words that have already escaped your mouth is like eating something with a bitter taste, like ampalaya tossed in vinegar.
I tried to think back and rationalize this, maybe I could find a logical explanation. When did I cross the thin line of friend to more than a friend feeling? Did he do anything to provoke me? Did I lose a few trillion brain cells when I bumped my head in the glass pane last week? Or was it just a case of hormones gone haywire? All I could vividly recall was this slow motion scene that transpired a few days ago. He was sitting across of me and we were talking like we always do and then he smiled and for no obvious reason I felt my heart suddenly jump wanting to escape my chest. At that time, I thought it was heartburn because we were eating so much food. However now, the warm gushy feeling I get whenever I think of him is driving me nuts.
To add to the confusion, my head knows that he is NOT my type. If he was my type in the first place then I wouldn’t have lumped him in my friends only category, rather, he would have landed in the friends with potential category. My bestfriend, being the naughty girl that she is, chided me with this text message: SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW, WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS PRAYED FOR WILL COME TRUE. IT MAY NOT ALWAYS BE IN THE EXACT PACKAGE YOU LIKE, BUT IT WILL ALWAYS BE WHAT GOD THINKS IS BEST FOR YOU. I know I shouldn’t have told her but misery loves company. I am so ashamed of myself for falling for my friend that I’m telling only my bestfriend and no one else. This is a secret we are both taking to our graves. (She will have an earlier trip to the grave if this ever leaks out)
Why did I have to be so stupid and fall in love with my friend? I’m even afraid to wonder if he could ever feel the same way for me too. Maybe when he looks at me, he sees what I used to see – a great and dependable friend. Of all the dumb things I have done in my life, this will go on as a contender for the top ten spots. If only I could invent a potion that when people took it, their hearts would listen to their heads, then I would wipe out world depression and have money to burn. Sadly until I come up with that elusive potion or some heartbroken geek makes it, I have to live with myself and my stupid heart who for now beats for a friend.
I pray for the day when I get better and this will just be a distant memory. Maybe when that day comes, I can even come clean and tell my friend. “You know what? I fell in love with you a few years back and I was so disgusted with myself that I avoided you at all costs”. hehehe. There is a memory I will look forward too. But then given the weird twists of fate my life has been subjected too, he might just look deep into my eyes and say “I’m still in love with you”. That will be the day! J Anyway, my mushy poem ends with “YOU’RE A MIRACLE OF CIRCUMSTANCE, MY LOVER AND BESTFRIEND”. Who knows…
I’m shallow….Restless Spirit
Help. I’m in one of my dire situations again. Hahaha. But its been a few years since I’ve had this dilemma. I am in love with someone I don’t want to be in love with! More like a battle between my head and my heart. On the right corner is my head saying “He’s not your type” (he’s not drop dead gorgeous) and on the other corner is my heart saying “He’s sweet and caring”. If they have such different tastes, why did they have to be placed in one body (sadly, mine)?
I remember way back in college, I fell in love with this guy friend who had the suave personality of Tom Cruise without a face to match. I guess people who are not naturally beautiful develop way better personalities to make up for their faces. And people who are really beautiful do not need that much personality since other people are so engrossed in their faces that they do not need to see the personality. I know this is a dumb deduction J
Admittedly, I am being very shallow. I know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and that “physical beauty fades, inner beauty remains” and that “what is essential is invisible to the eye”. Yakkity-yak-yak – whatever! I can’t help it! I am yet in the process of evolving, enlightened one I am not. I am still at a point in my life when beauty matters - A lot. There I said it, go ahead and hate me if you must. At least I am being honest. Honesty and shallowness sure is a weird combination of virtues. Don’t you agree?
I am not saying that there are ugly, ugly people but on my very bitchy days, I’ve seen some faces that can make me gag. I mean, if the theory of a show I watched in national geographic can be proven, beautiful people according to them, are those people whose faces are parallel or exact images from left to right. Like, if one eye is smaller than the other then you are not as beautiful as someone who has the same size eyes. The human being is genetically predesigned to look for the fairer partner!!! Men with broad shoulders will emit hormones to women that they can provide well for a family. In the nomadic age, broad shoulders were unique to good hunters and warriors. On the other hand, women who have a bigger hip to waist ratio not only have whistle worthy bodies but signal that they are good bearers of children. (This is me trying to justify myself)
Probing deeper into this subject, I called my bestfriend for an unbiased view. I get her to meet my newest amour. After he leaves, my bestfriend compounds my misery like only a bestfriend could. “He’s gay” she says mater of factly. Oh lord, can my life be any more complicated? I haven’t even come halfway in dissecting the battle between my head and my heart and now his sexual preference is being questioned? Suddenly I recall the movie “My bestfriend’s wedding” when Rupert Evans, the gay bestfriend of Julia Roberts described himself as suave and handsome and very gay, like most men in our time! He does have a point. :p I’m getting sidetracked here…
So now, it seems that my problem is not only falling in love with someone my head doesn’t approve of but my heart obviously wants and to make matters worse, he has a penchant to being gay, according to my bestfriend. I know I should have listened to that book I was just reading “When God writes your love story”… because from guys who have kids and then to a man who might be gay, I feel all my love stories were all written by the devil himself...
Bah, Kids….Restless Spirit
Since the start of 2003, I have fallen in love twice. So, what else is new you ask? Its February now, so two is normal for a girl like you. Someone who changes her object of affection much like the ice cream companies marketing strategy - flavor of the month. I agree… And I would have nothing to write about if it weren’t for the very interesting circumstances that my two flavors have with each other. Oh come on, you say – what pray tell could make them anymore interesting than your past flavors of recent years. Well, I will TELL you if you just shut up for 5 minutes and hear my story….
Flavor A is Mr. Drop Dead Gorgeous. I’ve always had a thing for genetically gifted men. That’s normal, duh?! If everything were equal in all aspects, would anyone pass Brad Pitt over someone who looks like a cartoon character? Mr. drop dead gorgeous stands a towering six feet, with broad bronzed shoulders, melted German chocolate eyes and a teasing smile that can nuke a Titanic sized iceberg in 5 seconds flat. Flavor B is Mr. Charisma, with sex appeal oozing in all the right places. When he walks into a room, my head spins from the sensual aroma he gives off. Can anybody say “knees-so-weak?” He is the perfect embodiment of Mr. Bad boy, a fantasy every girl harbors. Complete with earrings and that twinkle in his eyes that says, I know something you don’t. GAAAAADDDD!!!!! Flavor A and Flavor B have gotten my senses working on overtime.
However, here is the interesting thing – they both have KIDS. By kids I don’t mean they are shepherds and take care of baby goats. I mean kids as in children. GAAAAADDDDD!!! When I learned this truth about Flavor A, I said, what darn luck but when I was struck by the same lightning truth with Flavor B, I think God is trying to tell me something. Either God wants me to seriously think about the possibility of becoming a stepmother or God is just convincing me that He really is just and that one person cannot have EVERYTHING hence both gorgeous guys have baggage attached to them. Don’t get me wrong here, I love kids but not when they are a hindrance to my love life. (what love life?)
Flavor A, Mr. Drop Dead Gorgeous has made my IQ drop to negative everytime he is within ten paces from me. I once remember telling my cousin that I had such intense feelings about Flavor A that I fail miserably in the flirting game. With other guys, I’m witty and charming but with him, I have the brain activity of a sea sponge. I stutter the dumbest things when he is around and he must think that by now I am totally not interested or worse, that I’m dumb, which is the farthest thing from the truth. I want him so bad, it aches to think that he has KIDS. It’s that darn word again. What happened to being patient? Why couldn’t he wait for me? Why did he have to spread his seed? A girlfriend of mine who used to date a married man with kids, sympathized with me saying, no matter how cute or cuddly the KIDS are, when you see them and you know they came from “your man”, you just want to stomp on their angelic little faces.
Flavor B, Mr. Charisma, is a guy I met in boxing class and the minute I saw him, I wanted him to be the father of my children. And then I find out that a few girls before me had the very same thought which resulted to the KIDS issue again. Ignorance used to be bliss but not in this information age, everyone I dare tell that I like this or that guy, has info sheets ready for me. It’s like everyone needs to have their stamp of approval on my choice. And for Flavor A and B, I always get the “He has a kid” and the accompanying look that says – why are you even considering him? So what if they have kid/s? They’re not married – at least I don’t think they are. I do not want to be called judgmental of the past other people have had. Everyone deserves a second chance. (People who know the real me are now gagging….)
I guess, this is what it means when people say that you can’t have everything. Flavor A and Flavor B might be perfect in the looks department, personality department, and all the other departments I can think about. If I was kidding myself I would even make up the lame excuse that they are perfect because at least they now know how it is to be fathers but I don’t want to kid myself. No pun intended.
I remember being in a car with Mr. Drop dead gorgeous and out of the blue he just went silent on me. After a few seconds, he said in a hushed tone “You do know that I have children right?”. I knew all right, a reliable source has already warned me but it was not the same as hearing him say it to my face. It felt like my heart was being ground into sausage meat. But knowing my acting skills, I pasted a huge smile to my face and turned to him and said “Really? How cute!” “How old?” and then he replied “Six and four”. I knew he had a kid but not KIDSSSSSSSS. So there are 2 little persons much like himself running around in this earth? Six and four? I wanted to shout, what is that, the number to the winning lottery ticket tomorrow? But of course, I remained calm and dignified. I just continued to smile and nod as if that information was so delightful. Of course, Mr. Drop dead gorgeous was oblivious to the inner drama I was staging within me.
A night after the six and four revelation, me and my girlfriends went to see a card reader just for kicks. When it was my turn, the seer told me that the cards are saying that I have already met my soulmate but alas, we will not be together in this lifetime because there is an obstacle to our being together. And being the witty gals that everyone is in our group, one piped up “I know the obstacle!” The seer and I turned to my friend now newest psychic thinking she saw a vision. And with a devious smile she said “Six and four”. How delightful.
Another girlfriend, upon hearing my delightful plight with the children of the world, soothed my aching heart by reassuring me that we had a plan. I will just go ahead and make Mr. Drop dead gorgeous fall hopelessly in love with me and when we are already together, we will hire someone to kidnap six and four and drop them in an orphanage in China. Ladies and gentlemen, the friends I keep… |
